


Old Sins and New Beginnings

by rockwell_psycho



Series: John Moon/Reader (fixed it!) [2]
Category: A Single Shot (2013)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Cuddlefucking, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Guilt, Intimacy, Mild Smut, POV Multiple, POV Second Person, POV Third Person, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reader-Insert, Redemption, Self-Doubt, Tender Sex, Touch-Starved, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-16 14:02:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20833922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rockwell_psycho/pseuds/rockwell_psycho
Summary: A sequel to my drabble A Second Chance. After the events of “A Single Shot” John Moon is learning how to live again, struggling with the sense of guilt and uselessness. To his surprise, he finds much needed love and support when he expected it the least.





	Old Sins and New Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> This story is basically my coping mechanism. If the movie made you sad - I fixed it, you’re welcome.

John has absolutely no idea how long has he been sleeping. It might be a few hours as well as a couple of days. He wakes up in the afternoon, the doctor checks him up, he eats something, then falls into deep dreamless sleep again.

When he opens his eyes, it’s probably late evening, or maybe even night. It’s dark; only the small bedside lamp gives some feeble light. John tries to fall asleep again, but all of a sudden uneasy thoughts attack him. He’s in the hospital now, but what’s next? He’s here thanks to Abbie and Cecil Nobie. He has no idea how they found him, but they did. And if they did, they saw everything: the girl’s body, the money… Well, as for Abbie, she definitely figured everything before. Maybe she wasn’t even there with her father. Cecil might go alone or with his dog - that explains how he found John. He’s hoping he’s right, and Abbie stayed home. The poor girl had enough, the dead girl’s body and him, covered in blood and dirt would be too much. John is wondering if Cecil talked to the police. Probably he did. What did he say to them? He remembers the doctor’s words: “The criminal killed his girlfriend… You were badly injured…” It means that Cecil lied, saving John’s miserable ass… But why? Why would he save someone who put his daughter in danger? Unintentionally, but still…Questions. No answers.

If John goes to prison, he would probably never see his son again. Or what’s even worse - his son would be ashamed of him. But if it’s gonna happen, there’s only him to blame, no one else.

John tries to switch his brain off, but it’s only getting worse, only leads him to even harder questions, like why did God let him live after all.

At some point he just can’t take it any longer. Grunting, he gets up. Still feeling weak, he holds onto the wall, heading to the door. The fluorescent light from the corridor is painfully blinding, and he has to squeeze his eyes shut. He stands there, wincing and rubbing his eyes when he hears the sound of footsteps to the left of him.

\- John? Are you okay? You need something?

As his eyes get used to the light, he finally sees the doctor. Her face looks concerned.

\- John?.. You’re not feeling well?..

\- No, I’m okay, - he shakes his head, still wincing. I uh… Just woke up and can’t sleep no more. Thought maybe I’d get a book or something somewhere…

\- Oh. Sorry, John. I actually told my bosses many times that this hospital needs some kind of a rec room… but no success so far. I guess I can’t help you with it tonight. I can bring you something tomorrow, if you want. This week all night shifts are mine. Or you could ask your wife. I guess you have to call her anyway. You will need some clothes after all…

\- I don’t… Look, we don’t live together. My wife wants a divorce and I don’t wanna bother her for no reason, - he mutters.

\- Well, it seems to me you pretty much have a reason… But your personal life is none of my business, - the doctor shrugs. - You can call a friend or someone else instead.

John’s face darkens a bit as he suddenly thinks of Simon. Suddenly he feels so lonely it hurts. He thought he’s used to loneliness, but at this moment it hits him so hard he’s about to scream.

***

\- John, are you sure you’re okay? - You ask. The man looks weird and troubled, which is not surprising, considering what he’s been through. Your question hardly makes sense - of course he’s not okay.

\- Yeah, uh… - John clears his throat. He looks painfully lost.

\- How long I’m gonna stay here? - He asks.

\- All goes well so far, so probably you’re be able to leave by the end of the week. I just want to make sure you’ll be fine. But yeah, your hand is healing. I was worried you’ve got an infection, so I had to use antibiotics, but you’re definitely lucky.

\- Lucky? - John huffs. - You wouldn’t say so, if you were me, doc.

He turns his back on you and stumbles back to his bed. The conversation seems to be over, but suddenly something happens to you and you can’t stay silent.

\- Hey, you know, I really tried my best.

John turns to you, looking a bit confused; you feel your cheeks blushing.

\- You see, this hospital is short of everything, basically. Drugs as well, but I insisted on antibiotics for you since I didn’t want you to lose your hand due to infection. The wound was pretty dirty. I know you’re now mostly focused on how bad you feel, but… Maybe later you’d be grateful it turned out the way it is.

There’s an awkward pause in the end of your speech when you both are just staring at each other.

\- Sorry, - John finally says in a broken voice, and you immediately regret everything you’ve said.

\- No, no, don’t be, - you reply hastily. - You just need time. Near death experience is a hard thing to proceed…

\- Ain’t an excuse for being a dick.

\- John, please. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You didn’t say anything offensive. I just… I don’t know why I told that to you, really.

Another awkward pause.

\- Now, I will bring you a glass of water, and then you’ll try to sleep, okay? - You say as softly as possible.

\- Maybe you got a sleeping pill or something?.. My head’s exploding.

He’s definitely trying to look composed, but his eyes are pleading and your heart shrinks at the sight.

\- Fine, I’ll look for something, - you nod.

\- Doctor y/n? - You hear as you’re about to leave his ward. You are slightly surprised that he remembers your name, but maybe he just read it on your badge.

\- Yes?

\- Thank you for saving my hand. Really.

\- That’s just my job, - you shrug.

***

On your way to the supply room where the drugs are stored, you can’t help but think how silly it was of you to give him this tirade. But it’s been only about a year since you started working in this hospital, and John Moon was basically your first serious case. The injury wasn’t fatal itself, but he lost a lot of blood and apparently didn’t have time to dress the wound properly, so you kinda had to fight for him, and you knew you did good. But it’s a pretty normal thing for a patient like him to be depressed. You could hardly help here.

You think that John seems like a nice guy. What makes you think so? You can’t really explain. Just a feeling you have. You want to support him somehow. He seems so lonely… And you know very well how loneliness feels.

***

He sees her walking towards him and feels paralyzed. Her eyes are dark and cold, like two black holes. They seem blind, dead, but at the same time he’s sure she can see through him, even the darkest corners of his soul. She needs something from him and he’s silently asking what, but doesn’t get an answer.

He wakes up in cold sweat.

***

Cecil comes to visit him soon after lunch. The conversation is long and uneasy, and in the end John is not sure what to expect.

\- I don’t blame you, John. - Cecil says after a pause. - Mostly because… Let’s be honest - if I were you I’m not sure if I’d leave this money where they are. Too much of a temptation to resist…

\- It’s not even about the temptation, Cecil, - John sighs. - Just a stupid thought that money can solve my problems.

\- I got ya, buddy.

Despite these words from him, John still doesn’t feel relieved. With a heavy heart he asks about how Abbie’s doing.

\- She’s fine. Well, she was pretty shocked, and probably that’s why she doesn’t want to see you at the moment. But she’ll be fine. Thanks to you. Can’t believe you’d shot him with that injured hand of yours.

\- I’m the reason it happened to her.

\- You didn’t ask her to come over, right? Look, John. I always knew my daughter had a thing for you. But I also knew you’re a decent man and would never take advantage of her. You’re not like that.

It was true. John liked Abbie, but she was mostly like some kind of a little sister for him. He was protective of her, but he’s never thought of something more than a friendship. He was a married man, after all. And until recent events he was still hoping he could fix what’s broken and get his family back somehow.

How dumb.

\- I’ve always told her to be careful down there in the woods. Not because of animals but ‘cause of bastards like that…

\- Tell her I’m sorry, okay? - John says quietly.

\- She knows you are. Pretty sure she doesn’t blame you either. She’s just shocked, that’s all. She’s also thinking about leaving for studies with her brother. Well, that might be for the best.

John nods. That’s right. She’s not a farm girl anyways. He always knew she’s more than that. For some reason he was always sure she’s gonna leave one day, despite her saying how she loves this quiet place.

In the end Cecil says that his job offer is still valid.

\- You might have problems finding a job with your injury, but I know you can handle it. And I still need a helper.

He leaves John alone with his heavy thoughts. John thinks about Abbie. The poor girl could’ve been raped and murdered, and her only fault was that for some idiotic reason she sympathized with him. He could never understand what she found in him. Anyway, it was over now. Good for her.

He also thinks about the job Cecil offers to him. It still seems ridiculous and humiliating in a way - to work at his farm which is not his. But what choice does he have? Considering his injury and the fact that Cecil basically saved his life. The most reasonable decision would be to shove his pride further away possible and take the job. Maybe one day he’d be able to save enough money to buy a piece of land to farm on for himself.

Then he thinks of Jess and Nolan. Probably he really has to call her. To tell her he accepts the divorce and just wants her to let him see his son, to have an opportunity to be a father for him. Yes. That’s the plan.

All seems clear, but John’s heart still feels heavy. And when he falls asleep soon after the dinner, he sees her again. These dark empty eyes.

\- What do you want from me?! - He’s screaming inside his head. - I can’t change anything! Can’t make it better! Can’t turn back time or bring you back to life! God knows I would. But what else I can do??

She keeps piercing him with this ice cold gaze.

_\- You know what, John Moon, don’t you?.._

***

John is awake when you come to work for a night shift. You brought him a book as promised, it’s Ray Bradbury’s short stories.

\- I wasn’t sure what you’re interested in… - you say, - so I decided short stories is a good choice. And I just like Bradbury, so…

\- That’s okay, I ain’t that picky, - you can see a soft shy smile, barely perceptible on John’s face, and it makes you smile back.

You examine his wound; ask random questions about how he’s feeling. All seems fine, and yet you feel like there’s still something wrong with him, as if something’s gnawing at him, haunting his mind.

\- You know, I actually decided to call my wife, - he says suddenly. - Not about the clothes, but about our divorce.

\- Oh… - You have no idea what to answer to this, and why he decided to tell it to you. - Maybe you should wait a bit, until you’re out of the hospital? Divorce is a pretty stressful thing…

\- I’ve already caused enough stress to both of us, - he replies, his voice sad and quiet. You feel like you want to hug him, but you barely know him, and he’s your patient… Why do you feel like this about him?

\- I didn’t want to sign the papers. Thought I could bring her back home. But I can’t. So I’m gonna try to be a good father for our son at least.

\- That sounds wise, - you said, in the most encouraging way possible. - I’m sorry for this though. It must be very hard for you. Being in the hospital is depressing enough, plus your divorce… I’ve never been married, but I think I know how you feel.

John raises his eyes on you as if silently asking “you do?”

\- I’ve been in a relationship for quite a long while. But I guess I’m too devoted to my job. At some point he started seeing someone else. When I realized it, I thought I could fix it too. Dumb, right? But it’s kinda hard to let go… When you still need somebody, it’s hard to accept they don’t need you anymore. But you can’t make ‘em.

\- Yeah, that’s… exactly how I felt, - John replies in a slightly surprised tone. - But I realized I can’t make her love me back again only when I saw her with someone else. Happy. Didn’t need me anymore. ‘T was painful but in a way… In a way I felt free.

\- I know. If the love is gone, and you’re still trying to hold onto something, it’s like you’re a prisoner. Can’t bring it back and can’t move on either.

\- Stuck… - John nods. You both stay silent for a few moments, but this time the silence doesn’t feel that awkward.

\- That’s weird though, huh? - He says thoughtfully after a pause. - Not so long ago she was like my whole world… And I was hers. And now we’re almost strangers. How come, where’d it all gone?..

\- No idea, - you say, heart painfully shrinking inside your chest. - I guess nothing lasts forever.

\- What’s the point of it all than? Why we’re lookin’ for someone?

\- Because we need each other I guess. One human being needs another. That’s our nature. Maybe one day we’ll meet somebody who’d be there until the end.

\- You think?

\- I hope. Yep, maybe that’s naïve, but I think I still do, - you say with a slightly bitter smile. And John smiles back. You feel the warmth spreading inside you at this. In a way you both needed this conversation. It gave you so much needed comfort, and you’re pretty sure he’s feeling it too.

***

He was surprised. It’s such a forgotten, unknown feeling - to be understood. He didn’t even expect it from y/n. He’s not sure why he even started this conversation. But there was something about this girl. Something that made him trust her. Open up to her. John was never used to let people too close. Jess might be the only exception. Maybe Simon.

When she sat there on his bed, looking at him with her kind eyes, when she touched his hand, he realized very clearly how much he needed someone. Someone who listens and understands, and doesn’t judge. A friend. He’s not sure how she would react to that big dark secret of his though. For now he doesn’t want to know.

***

You enjoy talking to him. It becomes a part of your routine, after you check all patients. It’s been only three nights but you were amazed how you got used to these conversations, how you got used to him. John’s physical condition was well enough and you were pretty sure he’s gonna leave the hospital next Monday, and you know you’ll miss him. He tells you about his childhood on a farm, how he enjoyed this simple life and always thought it’s the best for him, but unfortunately life turned the other way round. You also told him about yourself, how you grew up in a small town, your studies in a medical university.

\- There’s only one thing I can’t understand, - says John on Saturday while you’re trimming his hair and beard a little. John’s about to leave the hospital and since he wanted to look presentable, you suggested a little help.

\- You could go anywhere you want with your education, and you came here.

\- You’re talking like my parents, - you laugh. - No one wanted to take this job and I thought someone has to. Also I was going through a quite painful breakup. I knew working here is not gonna be easy, but that’s what I wanted, you know? Plunge into work. Plus here I feel like people need me. That’s what I love about my job. Every time I feel abandoned, I remember about my patients. Somehow it makes my existence a little more meaningful. Being useless sucks.

\- I got ya, - John sighs deeply. - That’s exactly what I am so far. Useless.

\- Don’t say that. You’re not. Your son needs you. Right now he’s too small to realize it, but I’m pretty sure that a boy needs a father after all.

You finish with his hair, sit on the bed next to him, and look into his eyes.

\- John, what’s bothering you?

He’s silent.

\- You don’t have to tell me if you don’t wanna, but you know you can, right?..

\- I’m not that sure, - he mutters. - Sometimes I’m not sure if I could be a good father. There’s something really dark inside me. It’ll always be with me, I know… The guilt… The weight of it. I can’t change it, but I still see her in my sleep…

\- What… Are you talking about? - You stumble. - Who…

\- The girl… The dead girl from the forest. Y’all know the guy who injured me, he killed her, but it’s not true, - as he pauses, you feel the cold crawling up your spine as if you already know what he’s gonna say.

\- ‘T was me. Took her for a deer. Then there was the money which I thought would help me bring my family back, but it only got me in bigger trouble…

You listen to him, shocked, but you know he has to get it off his chest.

\- I don’t know why I’m still alive, why I deserve that if I can’t fix it or forgive myself anyway, - he says bitterly. - Maybe that’s my punishment, to live with it…Knowing that I’m a murderer.

\- John, that was an accident, - you say softly, but your voice is shaking. - You didn’t mean it, I know you did **_not._**

You reach out and cup his cheek. His eyes are sore; all the pain he’s going through is reflected in them.

\- And the money… You just did it because you needed hope. I know how it feels, John… Remember we were talking about how hard it is to let go? So we lie to ourselves…

\- I know that. I tell it to myself. But the girl is gone and no one can fix that.

You don’t know what to say, and what you would do on his place. You’d blame yourself too, that’s for sure. You can’t find the right words to comfort him, you’re not sure such words even exist.

But you know he needs you.

\- Come here, - you whisper to him and pull him closer, hugging his shoulders. He tenses up for a moment, then you can feel him relaxing in your embrace. Hugging you back, he buries his face into your shoulder, and you can feel his tears, hot and desperate. It’s a good thing. He has to cry. It’s healing. You stroke his hair soothingly, holding him close, wishing you could take the pain and guilt away from him.

\- Let it go, John. Don’t hold it.

John hugs you tightly, wondering when was the last time someone hugged him, when he hugged someone back. He’s not sure he deserves it, but he feels your warmth and he’s thankful for that. The pain starts to fade. He knows it’ll be back, but at this very moment it’s getting better. You make him feel better.

***

He’s sitting in his pickup truck looking at a small house on the hill. It’s been 2 days since he left the hospital, and she’s still haunting him in his dreams, or rather nightmares. He has no idea why he came here. Just some impulse. A sense of guilt. He sees a short chubby woman in the window. She closes the curtains and switches on the light. It’s her mother, probably, - he thinks. He wishes he could get of the car and knock on the door, but what can he say? That he’s sorry? He didn’t even know her. And obviously he cannot tell them the truth… Or… Can he? No, not like that, he suddenly thinks. Suddenly, years in prison don’t seem such a terrible punishment for him rather than living with this guilt eating him from the inside. He looks at the house for a few more minutes, then starts the engine and drives off.

This night he sees her again, but this time as she comes closer, her eyes are not dark and cold. They are _alive_. She takes his hand, holds it for a while, looks at him. Her soft blue eyes are smiling. And then she leaves. John watches her until she disappears in the sunset.

When he wakes up, he knows what to do.

***

**TWO YEARS LATER**

John parks his car at the hospital and sits there for a while, hesitant. His first intention was to surprise doctor y/n, but now he’s suddenly not sure if it’s a good idea. He’s thinking of her kind eyes and beautiful face and feels his heart beating a little faster.

Two years of prison. The least you can get for negligent homicide if it happened to you for the first time. Actually he was sentenced for two and a half because of poaching, but was released early on good behavior. John still could hardly believe his own luck. On the account of his previous violations he was ready for four years at least. Maybe after a long run of bad luck the good one is finally starting.

First thing John did after being set free was seeing his son. Surprisingly, despite his sentence, his relationship with Jess got better. Probably because he stopped being so persistent about getting her back. She visited him a few times during these years, brought him the photographs.

John was incredibly nervous. He remembered the last time he saw Nolan, the boy began to cry. But, to his relief, despite being a bit suspicious at first, the little boy became friendlier soon, and John even managed to play with him a little. He felt awkward and probably looked even more awkward doing this, but it was a joy.

\- He’s definitely got your eyes, - Jess smiled.

He watched his son, thinking that children are such an incredible miracle. A couple of cells met, and now here’s a new human being, with his own thoughts and feelings, joys and troubles. Probably the most amazing thing John has ever done in his entire life. Jess said the boy adores the rocking horse John left on their porch two years ago.

\- I think it’s still his favorite toy, can you imagine?

He looked at Jess and realized very clearly that the love is gone. It’s unbelievable. Back in the days his feelings were so deep he couldn’t imagine getting over them. Now… There’s almost nothing left. Yet still they will always be special for each other, connected by this little human being.

They agreed on John coming to see Nolan every Thursday.

Then he went home. Cecil greeted him and they had a casual small talk, as if there weren’t these two long years.

His kids are doing fine and keep visiting their parents every holiday. For the farm, Cecil has to hire season workers. Annoying, but it’s hard to find someone for longer term.

\- Farming’s not that popular nowadays. Young people tend to leave for big cities, older people drink too much, and I don’t need workers like that… So if you’re still interested, John, guess I got something to offer.

John said he’ll think it over.

He is still not quite sure about working for Cecil, but the idea seems less humiliating now. He thinks he might give it a try.

As he enters his house he’s got that strange feeling that he went back in time. Everything is the same as when he left it. Yet _he_ wasn’t completely the same. Something has changed inside him. That might be good changes though, he thinks.

He takes a shower, chooses his best shirt and a pair of jeans and heads straight to the hospital.

Y/n… He hasn’t seen her during these years. Just didn’t want her to see him there. But one day he remembered their conversations. He remembered her warmth and affection towards him, despite that terrible thing he’s done. She was probably the only person he could tell how he really felt. So one night he took a pen and a sheet of paper and wrote her a letter.

Writing was not easy with his missing fingers; his handwriting has never been perfect and now it was absolutely terrible. But after a bit of practicing, he found a way to hold the pen and make it at least readable. The letter was long. He wasn’t even sure if y/n would answer, but for some reason it was just important for him to tell _her_ what was on his mind. Not just writing it in a diary or something.

She answered him. He wrote again, and she answered again. These letters were the light of his days there, in a prison cell. She wrote that she missed him, and he missed her too, desperately. After reading another letter, he closed his eyes and saw her smile. He was so much into her it surprised him. How was it even possible to find something so pure and heartwarming in such a dark period of his life? It was even more surprising that she seemed to share his feelings.

John was truly in love only once before. It was Jess. Everything before her he didn’t consider real deep feelings. With Jess he knew it was love. He wasn’t sure if it’s possible for him to feel something like that again. No, what he felt for y/n was slightly different, more mature in a way, but also more fragile. And sitting here in his car right now, John feels like a nervous schoolboy.

She doesn’t know about his early release. Maybe he should have told her, but now it’s too late, he’s already here. With a deep sigh John gets out of the car and heads to the hospital. After a minute of hesitation he approaches the reception and asks if it’s possible to see doctor y/n. The receptionist opens her mouth to answer him but at this moment the sound of something falling down on the floor makes them both almost jump.

***

The tablet you’re holding falls down on the floor as you see him. For a second you think you’ve been working too hard today and are having some sort of a hallucination, but when he turns to the sound, you see his face.

\- John?..

He nods, not knowing what to say or do, a shy smile touching the corners of his mouth.

\- Hey…

You don’t know what to say as well, but you know what to do. Approaching him, you just wrap your arms around him and pull him into a tight, impulsive hug. At this moment you don’t care that your colleagues and patients are watching. You’re just happy to finally see him in flesh and bone, alive and well.

After two years of just writing and reading letters you sometimes had a strange sensation that John’s not real, that you imagined him as you used to do when you were a child. Then you remembered your late night conversations, holding him in the ward as he cried out his pain… Of course everything was real, and all you were wishing for was to hold him again.

Finally you could do it.

\- I can’t believe it’s really you, - you whisper, not even trying to hold back your tears. - Missed you so much!

He squeezes you even tighter, and you can feel his warm breath against the crook of your neck. He sighs deeply as if being relieved, and closes his eyes.

\- Missed you too, y/n. I missed you too.

***

Sitting on John’s porch you’re looking at the sky. Your dog Charlie is lying at your feet and you scratch her ears absentmindedly. It’s so quiet around. In your tiny apartment not far from the railway station you’ve never felt such peace and calm. After a stressful working week it felt amazing.

John wanted to show you some beautiful place today, but the rain started while you were on the road. You reached the destination anyways, put on your raincoats and even tried to climb up the hill, but unfortunately the beautiful view John promised to show you was all hidden by the heavy fog. The rain didn’t stop and after a few hours of hiking you realized your boots probably weren’t good enough because your feet got wet. Because of the rain you couldn’t even have a picnic, so you took the most reasonable decision to head home and eat the snacks you’ve prepared there.

Now you’re sitting on his porch. Of course the rain stopped as soon as you got to John’s place. The sky is getting clearer, and you can even see the last and the brightest rays of sunshine just before the sunset. You’re fascinated - the sky is beautiful. The colors vary from golden yellow to deep reddish pink, but mainly this sunset is bright orange, like fire.

You hear footsteps behind your back. John hands you a mug of tea and sits beside you. He drinks coffee. Charlie immediately gets on her feet and approaches John, laying her head on his lap.

\- Hey, that’s not fair! My dog prefers your company to mine… I’m getting jealous! - You laugh as he strokes the dog’s head.

\- I love dogs. Their feelings are always true. Unconditional.

\- You’re right.

\- Hey uh… I’m really sorry about today, - he says after a pause.

\- What do you mean? - You frown.

\- Well, the trip. Since I’m not good at dating and all this stuff, I just wished to show ya something I love but we only got tired and wet…

\- What are you talking about, John? You have nothing to be sorry for, you cannot control the weather!.. You know, the work was pretty tough for me these days, so it was just great to spend some time outside with you and Charlie… And look! - You point at the sky. - Look how beautiful! You don’t even have to go anywhere to see it, it’s right here above you and me!

John is looking up for a few seconds and nods silently, then looks back at you. Hazel eyes are sparkling.

\- Don’t think I’d have noticed it without you.

\- That’s what I’m here for, - you smile and lay your hand on his. He almost flinches at your gesture; sometimes it seems to you that he’s still not very comfortable about his injury… Or maybe he just has this slightly awkward feeling that you have? You both haven’t been on a date for ages and are not sure how to act. So you just sit like this for a while without saying anything.

\- Are you cold? - He asks when you’re shivering.

\- It’s a bit chilly.

\- Here.

He takes off his jacket and wraps it over your shoulders. Unintentionally you snuggle closer, while he’s trying to chafe you a little.

\- Better? - He asks, his face so close you can feel his breath on your skin. When you nod, you notice he’s looking down at your lips as if he wants to kiss you, but is hesitant for whatever reason. He just reaches out to brush your hair away from your face.

\- So… Want me to drive you home, or… You wanna stay… for a while?… - His voice suddenly turns into a slightly hoarse whisper as if he’s afraid to ruin the intimacy of the moment.

\- I think I’ll stay.

***

John suddenly feels like a shy teenager as you’re standing in his dimly lit bedroom. It’s weird. He’s never used to be shy. Maybe only when he asked Jess out for the first time… But it still was different. He felt way more confident than he is right now.

\- Look, uh… You can sleep here on the bed, and I’ll take the couch up there in the livin’ room… - he mumbles, mussing up his hair nervously.

\- John.

He stops tousling his hair and looks you in the eye. Inside, you probably feel as nervous as he looks at the moment, but at the same time you know exactly what you want and what’s gonna happen.

\- You really don’t have to sleep on the couch, - you say simply.

Stepping closer to him, you take his injured hand in yours. He doesn’t protest, just looks at you, and his hazel green eyes are somehow both soft and intense. His left hand cups your cheek, fingertips gently brushing your skin. His breath is warm as his lips are pressing against your temple before moving down to your cheekbone. He sighs. You’re so close you can feel his heartbeat.

It’s overwhelming.

Yet you still can feel him hesitating.

\- What are you afraid of, John?

\- I… Just wanna make it right. For once in my life, ya know. ‘Cause you deserve all the best. And God am I afraid to fail again…

\- Don’t, - you whisper, leaning in and placing a tender kiss at the corner of his mouth. His beard is tickling your lips.

\- We’ve been waiting long enough already. I need you.

John’s breath quickens, and he turns his head just enough to make it happen. Slowly, he kisses your upper lip, then lower, before deepening the kiss, tongue slipping inside your mouth causing you shiver. John’s jacket slides from your shoulders down to the floor, but you hardly pay attention.

***

He wants to take it slow. Two years is a long term, and even before them John can hardly remember the last time he was in bed with someone he actually had feelings for.

John has always been a one woman man, he never really understood those guys who run after every single petticoat, never felt the urge to cheat on Jess. Even though it’s been ages since the last time they got intimate. There was also that girl, Mincy, who Simon brought to his place… But that time it was just an escape from the nightmare he was going through. He was drunk and his mind was so troubled and far away, that he remembers that act as if through the deep haze. The memory is vague yet disturbing, almost making him wince.

This time is special. _You_ are special. He wants to enjoy every second of it, and you absolutely support him in this.

Cuddling in your underwear you kiss and stroke each other until your lips become swollen, until you’re breathless and can’t take it any longer. He kisses your neck, tugging down your panties, cups your breast. Your nipples are like hard peaks and you arch your back biting down a moan as he encloses one of them between his lips.

His fingertips explore every inch, every curve of your body, soft and flushed beneath him. Reaching between your thighs he lets his fingers slip past your folds, finds a small throbbing bud down there, circles it in a gentle pace. You’re all wet and ready for him, jerking at his touch; soft moans escaping you make him dizzy.

His body is slim, yet firm and muscular, hot against your skin. You kiss his chest, letting your fingers run along his length. He moans as well, both of you are on fire at this point.

\- I… ain’t got any… You’re on the pill or…

John feels embarrassed, he doesn’t want to break the mood, but you just smile.

\- I am. Don’t worry. Come here, - you hush, finally guiding him to where you need him the most.

He has to take a deep breath as he pushes inside you, because it feels so damn good he can hardly contain himself. He wants to ask how you feel, but the sight of your delighted face tells him everything, and he just leans in for another kiss. Stroking your hair, he shifts a little, giving you a moment to adjust to him, earns a sweet humming sound from you as he finally starts thrusting, slowly at first, buried deep inside you. He feels you tighten the grip on his shoulders as he picks up the pace. You grab onto his hair, pulling him closer, kissing feverishly.

You both wish it to last as long as possible, but everything is just too much to bear. Your insides are tingling and each movement of his hips brings you closer to the edge. Soon, you’re trembling underneath him, moaning out his name, feeling him throbbing and twitching as your muscles clench and the wave of pure bliss sweeps through you, your back arching and toes curling.

For a few moments everything slips out of existence: there’s only you and him and this overwhelming pleasure.

When you open your eyes, you can see him smiling. You think it’s a rare sight, but so real and heartwarming. You close your eyes again, unable to resist this pleasant weariness spreading over your body, and he kisses your eyelids.

You fall asleep nestled on his broad chest, feeling his fingertips softly running up and down your spine, safe and warm in his arms.

John watches your calm serene face for a while, feeling absolutely blessed. It may seem ridiculous, but feels like the beginning of a new life for him. With this thought he closes his eyes and finally falls into deep untroubled sleep.

***

When you wake up, John is not around, but somehow the fact he’s an early bird doesn’t surprise you at all.

You find him on the porch, drinking coffee from his mug, watching the morning fog gently covering the tops of the trees. Charlie is sitting patiently next to him. He smiles softly as he sees you.

\- Hey there. Took her for a walk, - he points at the dog.

\- I’m getting jealous again, - you chuckle.

\- We didn’t want to disturb your sleep… Ya needed rest.

\- Very thoughtful of you.

You come closer and straddle his lap. Stroking his beard, you lean in for a tender good morning kiss.

\- What’s that? - He murmurs as you stop kissing him. - Is that my shirt?

\- Yup. Found it on the armchair. It’s cozy and smells like you. Love it. Do you mind?

He shakes his head no and pulls you in for another kiss. You can feel his large hands sliding underneath the shirt, stroking your back.

\- T’s chilly here, you’re shivering. Get back inside, - he whispers against your lips.

\- I’d rather have you inside, - you smirk and he laughs, placing a kiss on your exposed collarbone.

\- Can’t get enough, do ya?

\- Who can blame me for that?

\- Sure as hell not me.

You stop smiling and look at him seriously.

\- I think I’m really falling for you, John Moon.

He gently tucks your hair behind your ear, examining your face as if he wants to remember this moment forever.

\- Same here, darlin’. Same here.

As he’s sitting there on the porch, holding you close, inhaling the smell of your hair and feeling your warmth, John senses something unusual, forgotten. Warm and tender sensation spreading inside his chest. Is he… Happy? He knows the new life ain’t gonna be easy for him, but at least now he sees the way. And knowing that someone is by his side, loving him, accepting him just the way he is feels like the most precious gift he could ever get.

For the first time in ages John Moon is sure: he’ll be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> You might think I’m a bit too soft about John’s possible sentence. Well, I’m not a lawyer, but I really googled the cases of negligent homicide together with my mother, who watches more detective tv-shows and programs than any other person I know :D In my opinion John already had too much of bad luck in his life. Honestly, no one deserves such a huge amount of it. I believe in balance. After so many bad things, good things inevitably have to happen. This fic is partly based on this philosophy. It was a hard decision to put John in prison though. But I don’t want him to live with this guilt forever. His soul is too gentle for that (yes, even though he looks tough!) I want him to forgive himself and move on. You may or may not support my ideas, but if this movie caused you a psycho trauma (lol), this story might be helpful.


End file.
